Thursday, August 31, 2006

doodle 408

This day in music history.

August 31, 1991, Metallica released their 5th album. It is titled "Metallica" but their fans are so stoned they call it the black album because the cover is black. The album cost over a million dollars and a year and a half to record, it debuts at No. 1 on the pop album chart. It sold over seven million copies in the U.S. alone. They had a couple hit songs off this record including "Enter Sandman" and "Nothing Else Matters"
Enter Sandman by Metallica
Say your prayers little one
don't forget, my son
to include everyone
tuck you in, warm within
keep you free from sin
till the sandman he comes
sleep with one eye open
gripping your pillow tight
exit light
enter night
take my hand
off to never never land
something's wrong, shut the light
heavy thoughts tonight
and they aren't of snow white
dreams of war, dreams of liars
dreams of dragon's fire
and of things that will bite
sleep with one eye open
gripping your pillow tight
exit light
enter night
take my hand
off to never never land
now I lay me down to sleep
pray the lord my soul to keep
if I die before I wake
pray the lord my soul to take
hush little baby, don't say a word
and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beast under your bed,
in your closet, in your head
exit light

enter night
grain of sand
exit light
enter night
take my hand
we're off to never never land

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

doodle 407

This day in music history.

August 30, 1969, Zager and Evans were at No.1 on the singles chart with there only hit "In The Year 2525."
In The Year 2525
In the year 2525
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
They may find
In the year 3535
Ain't gonna need to tell the truth, tell no lie
Everything you think, do and say
Is in the pill you took today
In the year 4545
You ain't gonna need your teeth, won't need your eyes
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you
In the year 5555
Your arms hangin' limp at your sides
Your legs got nothin' to do
Some machine's doin' that for you
In the year 6565
You won't need no husband, won't need no wife
You'll pick your son, pick your daughter too
From the bottom of a long glass tube
In the year 7510
If God's a-coming, He oughta make it by then
Maybe He'll look around Himself and say
"Guess it's time for the judgement day"
In the year 8510
God is gonna shake His mighty head
He'll either say "I'm pleased where man has been"
Or tear it down, and start again
In the year 9595
I'm kinda wonderin' if man is gonna be alive
He's taken everything this old earth can give
And he ain't put back nothing
Now it's been ten thousand years
Man has cried a billion tears
For what, he never knew
Now man's reign is through
But through eternal night
The twinkling of starlight
So very far away

Monday, August 28, 2006

doodle 406

This day in music history.

August 28, 1963, 250,000 people witnessed Martin Luther King, Jr. deliver his "I Have a Dream" speech in the shadows of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC. Before Kings speech Joan Baez and Bob Dylan played "Blowin In The Wind". Many years later Dylan says "It still affects me in a profound way".
Blowin In The Wind by Bob Dylan
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

This day in music history.

August 27, 1990, Eric Clapton, Robert Cray, Buddy Guy, Jimmie Vaughan and Stevie Ray Vaughan perform a concert at the Alpine Valley Music Theater in East Troy, Wisconsin. After the concert Eric Clapton decides not to fly back in the helicopter he had leased for the night. Stevie Ray Vaughan gets to take Erics place, the helicopter takes off into a deep fog and moments later crashed into a ski slope on the side of a hill. Everyone aboard was instantly killed.
Life Without You by Stevie Ray Vaughan
Ooh ooh now baby
Tell me how have you been
We all have missed you
And the way you grin
The day is necessary
Every now and then
For souls to move on
Givin' life back again, and again
Fly on fly on
Fly on my friend
Go on
Live again
Love again
Day after day
Night after night
Sittin' here singin' every minute
As the years go passing by...
Long look in the mirror
We've come face to face
Wishin' all the love we took for granted
Love we have today
Life without you
All the love you passed my way
The angels have waited for so long
Now they have their way
Take your place...

Saturday, August 26, 2006

doodle 405

Friday, August 25, 2006

doodle 404

This day in music history.

August 25, 1995, Bass player Doug Stegmeyer shot himself dead. Doug had worked with Billy Joel, Hall and Oates and The Carpenters. It is easy to see, suicide was his only real choice.
Only The Good Die Young by Billy Joel
Come out Virginia, don't let me wait
You Catholic girls start much too late
aw But sooner or later it comes down to fate
I might as well be the one
well, They showed you a statue, told you to pray
They built you a temple and locked you away
But they never told you the price that you pay
For things that you might have done.....
Only the good die young
that's what I said
only the good die young
You might have heard I run with a dangerous crowd
We ain't too pretty we ain't too proud
We might be laughing a bit too loud
aw But that never hurt no one
So come on Virginia show me a sign
Send up a signal I'll throw you the line
The stained-glass curtain you're hiding behind
Never lets in the sun
Darlin' only the good die young
I tell ya
only the good die young
You got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation
You got a brand new soul
mmmm,
And a cross of gold
But Virginia they didn't give you quite enough information
You didn't count on me
When you were counting on your rosary
They say there's a heaven for those who will wait
Some say it's better but I say it ain't
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
the Sinners are much more fun...
you know that only the good die young
oh woah baby
I tell ya
only the good die young,
say your mother told you all that I could give you was a reputation
Aww She never cared for me
But did she ever say a prayer for me?
oh woah woah
Come out come out come out virgina don't let me wait,
You catholic girls start much too late
Sooner or later it comes down to fate
I might as well be the one,
You know that only the good die...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

doodle 403

This day in music history.

August 24, 1990, A Nevada judge clears Judas Priest in a $6.2 million civil suit that charged the group's recordings provoked two youths to shoot themselves in 1985. One of the boys died instantly by shooting himself in the head with a shotgun, the other also shot himself but survived, severely disfiguring his face in the attempt. The boys parents had charged in the lawsuit that the band's "Stained Class" album contained subliminal messages that drove two teen-agers to attempt suicide. Specificity they claim the song "Better by You Better Than Me" contained the message "do it" repeated over and over. One of the parents lawyers told the judge that Judas Priest was "meddling in the mysteries of the human mind." Judas Priest members commented that if they wanted to insert subliminal commands in their music, killing their fans would be counterproductive, and they would prefer to insert the command "Buy more of our records".
Better By You Better Than Me
You could find a way to ease my passion
You listen to the blood flow in my veins
You hear the teaching of the wind
Tell her why I'm alive within
I can't find the words
My mind is dead
It's better by you better than me
Guess you'll have to tell her how I tried
To speak up thoughts I've held so inside
Tell her now I got to go
Out in the streets and down the shore
Tell her the world's not much living for
It's better by you better than me
Everybody
Everybody knows
Everybody
Everybody knows
Better by you better than me
You can tell what I want it to be
You can say what I only can see
It's better by you better than me
Guess I'll have to change my way of living
Don't wanna really know the way I feel
Guess I'll learn to fight and kill
Tell her not to wait until
They'll find my blood upon her window
sill
It's better by you better than me
Everybody
Everybody knows
Everybody
Everybody knows
Better by you better than me
You can say what I only can see
You can tell what I want it to be
It's better by you better than me
Better by you better than me
You can tell what I want it to be
You can say way all they can see
Better by you better than me

Sunday, August 20, 2006

doodle 402

Saturday, August 19, 2006

doodle 401

Friday, August 18, 2006

doodle 400

This day in music history.

August 18, 1973, Gene Krupa played for the last time with members of the original Benny Goodman Quartet. Although his soloing ability was greatly diminished his overall playing sounded more modern than ever. Gene died October 16, 1973 of a heart attack. Gene Krupa was born in 1909 the youngest of nine children. He took up drums at age 11, because they were the cheapest instrument at the music store where he worked. His drum solo on Benny Goodmans song "Sing, Sing, Sing" is considered to be the first extended drum solo in jazz. He quit Benny Goodman to start his own band. The Gene Krupa band had as many as 40 musicians and as few as three at times. In 1927 Krupa was the first kit drummer ever to record using a bass drum pedal. His collaboration with the Zildjan Company produced many of the names and uses of cymbals including the high hat, the crash cymbal, the ride cymbal, the splash and the pang cymbals. Later Krupa innovations included the floor tom and toms with tunable bottom heads. He also wrote a book called "The Gene Krupa Drum Method ". Buddy Rich called him the greatest jazz drummer he ever knew.
"I've had some pretty good luck" - Gene Krupa

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

This day in music history.

August 16, 1977, Elvis Presley couldn't sleep so he took some Codeine, Methaqualone, Ethinamate, Morphine, Valium, Demerol, Meperdine and Chloroheniramin. He was found dead lying on the floor in his bathroom by his girlfriend Ginger. Elvis had been seated on the toilet reading 'The Scientific Search For Jesus'. The official cause of death was heart failure.
To Be, Or Not To Be (from Hamlet 3/1) by William Shakespeare
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay,
there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
- Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia!
Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd...

doodle 399

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

doodle 398

This day in music history.

August 15, 1980, George Harrison's book "I Me Mine" is published. In the book George admits to hating Beatle mania. He also explains the inspiration for the songs he wrote. Some of the explanations were a little disappointing to hard core Beatle fans that were always trying to read some cosmic truths into Beatles songs. One such story in the book was Georges inspiration for the song "Savoy Truffle" from the white album. George explained that Eric Clapton had sent a box of chocolates back stage at a concert. The name of the chocolates was Good News chocolates and George said that his favorite was the Savoy Truffle and they were on the bottom, so of course "you had to have them all pulled out to have a Savoy truffle". LOL
Savoy Truffle by The Beatles
Cream tangerine and Mont à limar
A ginger sling with a pineapple heart
A coffee dessert--yes you know it's good news
But you'll have to have them all pulled out
To have a Savoy truffle.
Cool cherry cream, nice apple tart
I feel your taste all the time we're apart
Coconut fudge--really blows down those blues
But you'll have to have them all pulled out
to have a Savoy truffle.
You might not feel it now But when the pain cuts through
You're gonna know and how The sweat is going to fill your head
When it becomes too much
You'll shout aloud
You know that what you eat you are,
But what is sweet now, turns so sour--
We all know Obla-Di-Bla-Da
But can you show me, where you are?..
Creme tangerine and Mont à limar
A ginger sling with a pineapple heart
A coffee dessert--yes you know its good news
But you'll have to have them all pulled out
to have a Savoy truffle.

Monday, August 14, 2006

doodle 397

This day in music history.

August 14, 1974, Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby," goes gold despite its denouncement by feminists. The song would make it to Number One by the end of the summer and is now considered to be one of the worst pop songs ever made. Odia Coates sings the female part, together Paul and Odia would have three top ten hits.
Having My Baby by Paul Anka
Him: Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me
Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
What you're thinkin' of me
I can see it, face is glowin'
I can see in your eyes
I'm happy you know it
Him and Her: That you're havin' my baby
Him: You're the woman I love
And I love what it's doin' to ya
Him and Her: Havin' my baby
Him: You're a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through ya
Him: The need inside you
I see it showin'
Whoa, the seed inside ya
Baby, do you feel it growin'
Are you happy you know it
That you're
Him and Her: Havin' my baby
Her: I'm a woman in love
And I love what it's doin' to me

Him and Her: Havin' my baby
Her: I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me
Him: Didn't have to keep it
Wouldn't put ya through it
You could have swept it from your life
But you wouldn't do it
No, you wouldn't do it
Him and Her: And you're havin' my baby
Her: I'm a woman in love
And I love what it's doin' to me
Him and Her: Havin' my baby
Her: I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me

Him: Havin' my baby (havin' my baby)
What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me
Havin' my baby (havin' my baby)

Her: I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

doodle 396

This day in music history.

August 13, 1971, Sax player King Curtis Ousley was stabbed to death by a vagrant on the front steps of his New York home. Born Curtis Ousley in 1934, Ousley was an accomplished tenor, alto, and soprano saxophonist. He had worked with Nat King Cole, Joe Turner, The McGuire Sisters, Aretha Franklin, Lionel Hampton, John Lennon, Duane Allman and Billy Preston. He also played on The Coasters "Yakety Yak". With his own bands ("King Curtis and The Noble Knights" and later "The Kingpins") he managed to put three songs in the top forty including the classic " Soul Twist". In all he had 15 top 100 songs from 1962 to 1971.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

doodle 395

This day in music history.

August 12, 1963, The Surfaris have a number one hit with the song Wipe Out. It is one of the biggest selling instrumental rock songs of all time.
Wipe Out by The Sufaris
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, wipe out.

Friday, August 11, 2006

doodle 394

This day in music history.

August 11, 1909. The international distress call, SOS, which replaced CDQ (All stations -- distress!), was first used by an American ship on this day. The ocean liner Arapahoe found itself in trouble off Cape Hatteras, NC. The ships wireless operator, T. D. Haubner, radioed for help when his ship lost its screw propeller near the Graveyard of the Atlantic, Diamond Shoals. The call was heard by the United Wireless station at Hatteras.
Contrary to popular opinion, SOS (which has no stops between the letters, the signal being a continuous signal of three dots, three dashes and three dots) is not an acronym for any series of words such as Save Our Ship or Save Our Souls. The original call for distress began with the British CQ, meaning All Stations, used by telegraph and cable operators worldwide. The D for distress was added to CQ by the Marconi company in 1904.
In 1906, at the Berlin Radiotelegraphic Conference, the Germans general inquiry call, SOE, was suggested as an international distress signal. Changing the E to S gave the signal its unmistakeable character, and SOS was officially ratified as the international distress signal in 1908, although it was not officially adopted by the USA until 1912 (prompted by the Titanic tragedy). It is interesting to note that the Titanics radio operator sent Marconis CQD code six times before using the four-year-old international SOS signal some twenty minutes later ... as Marconi waited in NY to make the return trip to England on the ill-fated ship.
SOS by Abba
Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good
So when your near me, darling cant you hear me
S. o. s.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. o. s.
When your gone
How can I even try to go on?
When your gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good
So when your near me, darling cant you hear me
S. o. s.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. o. s.
When your gone
How can I even try to go on?
When your gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
So when your near me, darling cant you hear me
S. o. s.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. o. s.
When your gone
How can I even try to go on?
When your gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
When your gone
How can I even try to go on?
When your gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

doodle 393

This day in music history.

August 10, 1985, "Money for Nothing" by the Dire Straits made it to No.4 on the UK singles chart. The song which featured Sting on vocals became a No.1 in the US. It was also a hit in India, Southeast Asia and Africa. The groundbreaking computer-animated video for "Money for Nothing" was the first ever to be played on MTV in Britain. The album the song was from (Brothers In Arms) was one of the first albums available in CD format.
Money For Nothing
Now look at them yo-yos that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the mtv
That aint workin thats the way you do it
Money for nothin and chicks for free
Now that aint workin thats the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys aint dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these color TV's
See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot hes a millionaire
We gotta install microwave ovesns
Custom kitchens deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these color TV's
I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got it stickin in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And hes up there, what's that? Hawaiian noises?
Bangin on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That aint workin that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothin get your chicks for free
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these color TV's,
lord
Now that aint workin that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the mtv
That aint workin that's the way you do it
Money for nothin and your chicks for free
Money for nothin and chicks for free

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

National Underwear Day!!!

Finally a holiday I can get into (literally). In honor of National Undies day I will tell a underwear story from my youth.
It happened on a beautiful weekday morning when I was 12 years old. One of my best friends (Billy) had a next door neighbor that owned a dog named Bootsie.
Bootsies owner was a woman about 65 years old, she chain smoked Kool straight and she would hack up black flem which she would then spit into the bushs. She would take Bootsie outside to poop and she would stand their saying "Bootsie go poddy, hack, hack, spit, Bootsie go poddy". Billy terrorized the dog as often as possible.
On occasion the old lady would let Bootsie outside alone and that is when most of the torment took place. One day Billy got the idea to put a pair of his fathers underwear on the dog, so he took his dads unders off the cloths line and climbed the fence that separated his yard from Bootsies, Once over the fence Billy caught the dog and pulled the underpants over the dogs behind, sticking the tail out one of the leg wholes.
As soon as the undies were secured the dog freaked out and attacked Billy, biting his ankle and making him scream and fall into the old ladies swimming pool. I was safe on the other side of the fence laughing so hard I was crying and trying to tell Billy to get the hell out of there. But it was to late. The old lady came out yelling "Bootsie what's wrong"! And then she saw Billy trying to get to the ladder to climb out of the pool. So the old lady takes the pool poll and smacks Billy in the head forcing him to find another way out on the other side of the pool, which he did. He scrambled back over the fence with Bootsie nipping at his heels and the old lady bitching about "not taking any more of this crap" and "Your in trouble now, mister".
Billy and I ran back into his house and laughed our ass off. And then the doorbell rang. It was the cops. They came in and told Billies mom that Billy was under arrest for putting underwear on the next door neighbors dog.
They took him down town and fingerprinted him with mug shots and the whole deal. The local paper ran a story about it with a quote from the old lady that read "You would think these kids would have something better to do with their time, where are the parents anyway".
I still laugh when I think about that dog biting Billy while wearing his dads underwear.
DLAK note: Dont forget, DLAK panties are available at the DLAK store.

doodle 392

This day in music history.

August 9, 1995, Grateful Dead singer/guitarist Jerry Garcia dies of a drug induced heart attack while undergoing drug rehabilitation. He was honored by President Clinton as "an American icon." Dead Heads all over the world banged on their drums and wept in pain.
To Lay Me Down by The Dead
To lay me down
once more
To lay me down
with my head
in sparkling clover
Let the world go by
all lost in dreaming
To lay me down
one last time
To lay me down
To be with you
once more
To be with you
with our bodies
close together
Let the world go by
like clouds a-streaming
To lay me down
one last time
To lay me down
To lay me down
To lay me down
To lay me down
One last time
To lay me down
To lie with you
once more
to lie with you
with our dreams
entwined together
To lie beside you
my love still sleeping
to tell sweet lies
one last time
and say goodnight
to lay me down...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

doodle 391

This day in music history.

August 8, 1970, Janis Joplin buys a headstone for the grave of blues singer Bessie Smith. It was 33 years after her death. Janis said that Smith was one of her greatest influences. Bessie is buried at the Mont Lawn Cemetery in Philadelphia. She died in 1937 after she was in a car accident while traveling from a concert along U.S. Route 61.
Me And My Gin by Bessie Smith
Stay away from me 'cause I'm in my sin.
Stay away from me 'cause I'm in my sin.
If this place gets raided, it's just me and my gin.
Don't try me nobody, oh, you will never win.
Don't try me nobody 'cause you will never win.
I'll fight the army, navy just me and my gin.
Any bootlegger sure is a pal of mine.
Any bootlegger sure is a pal of mine.
'Cause a good ol' bottle o' gin will get it all the time.
When I'm feeling high ain't nothing I won't do.
When I'm feeling high ain't nothing I won't do.
Get me full of liquor and I'll sure be nice to you.
I don't want no pork and I don't need no beer.
I don't want no pork and I don't need no beer.
I don't want no porkchop just give me gin instead...

Monday, August 07, 2006

This day in music history.

August 7, 1971, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention record "Just Another Band from L.A." live at U.C.L.A. It's the last Mothers album to include former Turtles, Howard Kaylan and Mark Volman (Flo and Eddie). The album contained such classic Zappa songs as "Calling Any vegetable", "Dog Breath" and "Billy the Mountain".
Billy The Mountain by The Mothers
One, two, three . . .
BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!
BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
BILLY was a mountain
(BILLY was a mountain!)
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder)
(hey, hey hey!)
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder
Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a
checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado
Cadillac, leased from BOB SPREEN . . .
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
. . . And he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his 'foot' was
supposed to be.
Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those
postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally,
now, AT LAST, his Royalties!
Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Royalty check is in, honey!
Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyeball-caves,
they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a cliff), well
it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack!
hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!
Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!
By two o'clock, when the bars are already closed down, BILLY had
broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders
everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .
"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"
Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL,
ETHELL, like every little woman, she of course was very excited!
She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.)
BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . Yes! They were going
to NEW YORK!
"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . .
It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)
ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)
Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . .
their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds
(POO-AAH!)
"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"
(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)
"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"
The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was
EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .
And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks
alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when
TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF . . . (We have
ignition!) . . . got LUNCHED! I said LUNCHED!

By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.
"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS
MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a
San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in
the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN,
in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey,
Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar,
Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling
Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills,Cheviot Hills, will provide
the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a
CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION,
increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of
Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE . . .
WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah
wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . .
) and homeless (homeless . . . ) in Glendale, as BILLY had just
levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY
caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the
SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on
Glenoaks) where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and
OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .
Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little
Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto . . . !") just
playing ( "Come on, Toto . . . !") and having a nice time with
his little accordion ("Toto . . . !"), and this weird wind came
up ("Toto . . . !"), direct from Glendale ("Toto . . . ! Toto .
. . !"), blowing these terrible germs in his direction ("Come
here, Toto . . . !"), and all of this caused ("Toto . . . !") by
a huge mountain ("Aunty Em!")!
"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . "
. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for
UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS!!!
Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus,
Ohio when BILLY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION
PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL said, now ETHELL, ETHELL
said she wasn't gonna let him go!
"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED
ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE
COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also
practices (COVEN!) WITCH-CRAFT!"
It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the
SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be
able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA
HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not
Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new
SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP.
(Oh) Now, some folks say he looked like (he was like, he was
like) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); still others say (others say
he), bullshit, honey (bullshit, man) he's just another greasy
guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at
BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Still others
say, John, piss on you, Jack! (crazy Italian) He's just a crazy
Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure
'cause he was so), nobody ever really knew for sure, because
STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?
Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named
'PINOCCHIO' or what?
Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!
(Amazed!)
(Amazed!)
Time passes . . .
January, February, March, July . . .
Wednesday . . .
August . . .
Irwindale . . .
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday . . .
Funny Cars!
Walnut!
Friday
City of Industry . . .
Big John Mazmanian!
So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:
"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . .
Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding
. . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder
. . . ? Aw, you're fulla shit, man . . . ah, listen, by the way,
before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with
the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should
move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen,
so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your
wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so
you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh,
my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes
here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD
DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An
expense account? And per diem, too?"
SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!
They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING
LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar,
hit it!
Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . Hey!
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-Uh
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .
NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have
spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . )
Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was published (a
rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE!
Oh, it's gotta be true!
STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a
pin!
"NO!"
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.
(I'm so HIP!)
BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside ELLIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY flushed away all his stash
And the cops
Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neil Young slipped another disc
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
(And that was the main influence on HIM!)
The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie!
Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a
modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back
of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he
could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no
shit!)
After which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT
JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt
scissors! Hey-hey!
Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes
are lower prizes than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S
(in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was
looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and
he covered them thoroughly with foil!
Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L!
Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his
powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .
YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he pulled down
his blue denim policeman type trouser pants, and he spread even
amounts of AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his
legs!
Soon the booth was filling with flies!
(Help me, help me, help me!)
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get
in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little
cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping
up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head
between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON
HUBBARD-type voice . . .
"NEW YORK!"
. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking
lot, and into the sky!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!
His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!
(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)
He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!
(Fly to New York!)
He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!
Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)
His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on
And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the
edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away:
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come
to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed
Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like
this forever."
Oh! But ETHELL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER
HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . .
"Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST
SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your
fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL
DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and
your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of
brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the
(cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"
Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed:
"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're
CRAZY!"
Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed,
STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two
hundred feet into the rubble below!
"Aaahhhhh . . . oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "
Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once
again that . . .
A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)
Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
With
Billy...